I am moving in 4 days. Four.days.

Have I started packing yet?

No. I'm reading SPN porn instead.

Will I start packing tomorrow? It would the logical thing to do....

But, again, no. I'll be going camping instead. And drinking!!! Yay!!!

I did buy boxes and tape though. Does that count for anything?


In other news ....I picked up Bear's ashes today from the vet.

tiffosis: (happiness is a warm pug)
( Jul. 20th, 2007 08:39 am)


Written on July 19, in response to my conflicted feelings about getting another dog so soon after losing Bear.

Always Will

Know that I can never replace you.

You were one of a kind, unique,

and I will never love another as much as I love you, as long as I live.

You hold a special place in my heart, and always will.


But since I’ve lost you, I’ve felt so empty and so alone,

even though I know you’re still with me, and always will be.


So she won’t replace you, can never replace you,

because you are you, and always will be.

But maybe she can help fill a little bit

of the hole that’s been been left behind.

Howdy all.

I've been quiet and haven't said too much since Monday, but I am managing to deal with Bear's passing, and getting better each day. Not to say there still isn't a huge gaping hole in my heart, but I'm dealing.

So, after I got back from the vet on Monday morning, I took a Xanax, as I was more than a bit traumatized. I tried to lay down and sleep, but was restless and kept getting up and pacing around. And looking at all of Bear's stuff, like his dog dishes and toys.

Jullie, my roomate came home early from work after she found out, and offered to take me to see OoTP if I wanted to, as a distraction. I took her up on the offer, as I couldn't sleep and it was probably a good idea for me to get away. She also picked up all of Bear's things, saying I wasn't to sit around staring at them. Which I had been. I did keep his favorite littlle vaguely bear shaped stuffed toy though, and I have been sleeping with it all week. It maked me feel a bit better at night to hang on to that.

Anyways, we headed to the mall and had lunch at Red Robin first, and I had a pineapple mojito. I've never had a mojito and it was yummy. It paired especially well with the Xanax I had taken, and the vicodin I had just taken for the start of a headache (overkill? Maybe.). So, by the time we sat down to the movie, I was feeling nicely numb and not all there. Which is why I will need to see OoTP again.

After that, we went shopping. Got new bras and tops. Shopping is good therapy. And when I got home, there were beautiful flowers that Leah, aka [profile] ataxia71, had sent to me. A potted mum of the most deepest, rich burgandy color. 

And thank you to all of you for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate it.


I still miss Bear terribly, but like I said, each day is getting better. My mind is still reeling I think, as I don't feel I am articulating well here and I'm kinda going all over the place here. I wrote an emo poem last night too. I'll post it seperately. It was prompted about how torn I feel abut getting a new dog, which I am. I get her tomorrow. I can't stand not having a furry little being by my side, and I am very lonely at night, and the quietness of that kills me too. Jullie let her little min pin Latte into my room Tuesday morning, and we snuggled, and it felt good.

So, I am bringing Frannie home tomorrow. She's freaking adorable and I would be a fool to pass her up while I waffle about the matter. Her foster mommy had brought her over last Saturday night for me and Bear to meet. I just didn't know at the time that Bear would be gone so soon. Maybe it's fate that she didn't go to another home.

I went shopping for Frannie last night, to buy her pretty new things, and a step, so she could get onto my bed, being how wee she is.

Oh yeah, will be getting Deathy Hallows tommorow after I get Frannie. Can't say I'm going to be able to read it right away, with having to acclimate Frannie into her new home, but at least I will have it in my hot little hands. And I'm so glad that I've been able to remain spoiler free so far. Yay!!

I had to let go of Bear this morning.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, and there's empty hole left where he was.

I know I did the right thing, but my God, it hurts so bad and a part of me feels guilty, because what if it wasn't time?

But it was. He was suffering, and I know he wanted to be able to go on his own, but I had to help him. He wasn't breathing well at all since Friday, and last night he never slept at all, just sat up the entire night, with heavy panting and labored breathing. I was giving him painkillers and also gave his some valium last night, but they really didn't help him be more comfortable.

There was also a lot of blood under his skin on his chest, stomach and groin, that was spreading at an alarming rate and I didn't know if it was bruising or if he was hemorrrhaging internally somehow. I was beside myself.

I took him in to his vet right away this morning, after spending the entire night awake with him and being on the verge of going to the ER all night long. I really did not want to go the the ER vet, as I really like my office and Dr. Dailey, plus I know how they handle the passing of animals, and I really wanted it to be there, if it had to happen. They did a CBC, and the only thing it said was he was anemic, and that all of the burst cappillaries (petechia) were the beginning stage if organ failure. There was nothing else that could be done for his breathing, and Dr. Dailey strongly suspected there were tumors in his lungs.

So I made the call to put him to sleep. It was so hard, and Bear is so anti-needle, they could not adminster the injection and had to give him a sedative to calm him down before they could finish. It was awful, and I stayed with him the entire time and sang to him. He went so fast too.

After he was gone, I just sat with him in my arms for almost half an hour, holding him and telling him how much I loved him and why I did what I just did, and how sorry I was that I was not able to keep him from getting sick and make him better. Walking out of that room and leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done. I wanted to take him with me. I am having him privately cremated and will have him back in about two weeks. 

I miss him so much. The room is too empty without his presence and I want him back.

Rest In Peace Bear - I love you, my beautiful and perfect pug.

tiffosis: (happiness is a warm pug)
( Jul. 12th, 2007 11:04 am)
Bear had diarrhea at some point last night, and I did not wake up in order to let him outside, and poor guy had to let it go in my room. 

Bad mommy I be.

I discovered this at about 4:40 am, in which I was already waking up late by about half an hour. At that point, there was no way I could clean it all up (it was a BIG mess), get ready for work, make Bear's breakfast amd lunch and make it to work on time. So I called in.

Plus, I think I really do have a bladder infection now. I must have jinxed myself yesterday. In addition to having to dribble a bit of pee every half hour when it feels like I really-gotta-go, I have a wonderful stabby pain the the general area of where my bladder is.

Wonderful, I say. Just freaking wonderful.

Alright, let me start off with a funny story, before getting to Bear news. I hadn't posted yet, as the thought of doing so seemed to require too much energy for me to deal with.

I haven't been sleeping will lately. I'm only getting about 4 hours, on weeknights as I have to get so damned early to go to work, so that is my excuse for my blunder yesterday morning.

I was completely out of it when I was driving to work yesterday morning. Had I been doing my normal commute, this really isn't that far off norm and wouldn't have been an issue, as I can drive to work semi-conscious. But I'm still dog-sitting, so I have to drive in a different way to work. There are two ways I can go, one meeting up about 1/2 way with my normal route, and the other completely foreign to me. So I have been taking the former.

There are 7 bridges here in the Bay Area. Toll is $4 (robbery!) for each bridge. I ended up going over 3 of them on my way to work. It should have only been one…...

I totally went the wrong way on I-80 interchange after crossing the Benicia bridge. I did not realize this until I was on the Carquinez bridge (non-toll direction), putting me back on the same side I had started from, several miles up. Did I recognize I was passing street exits that were not right and turn myself around before this happened? No.

I decided to hope I could navigate my way from 80 to 580 to take the Richmond bridge over to 101. This would be the unfamiliar route I mentioned. I was pissed off that I was backtracking and would have to pay another $4 toll, so I was mentally cussing up a storm. Found my way easily to 580 and got to the toll plaza, and ended up behind a truck that was taking it's sweet ass time going anywhere. There was a big bumper sticker that read "TREEHUGGER" on it and I was like "god-damn mother-fucking treehugger, get the god-damn hell out of my fucking way", etc. My window was up, mind you it was chilly out, so no one could have heard this. Nor was I gesticulating wildly or anything like that. Yes. I am an angry driver. In a passive-aggressive kind way only, lots of swearing and yelling.

The dude paid my toll. I was dumbfounded.

So I was sufficiently humble at that point, and had a Larry the Cable Guy moment, and was "Lord, I apologize….." and "Sir, I am sorry I disparaged your treehugger sticker". I waved in thanks as I sped past him. He may have been cute…...

Took Bear to the oncologist Tuesday morning. She was a really nice doctor and I liked her a lot, even though she really had no good news.

So, even if I had $5000, I wouldn't do the chemo. It's really that much for one round of it. It would only give him maybe another year, and it would make him really sick and I don't want to do that to him. The doctor even advised that with his current breathing problems and how sensitive his stomach already is, coupled with the advancement of the lymphoma, chemo would be really, really harsh to him. Plus, dogs who reacted badly to the heartworm shot that came out on the market several years ago, don't respond well to chemo. This came up only because I told her the only time Bear had ever been sick in the past, was when I gave him that shot. Purely for my convenience too. I felt so horrible at the time, cause that shot made him very ill.

Bear is on prednisone, which will help bring down the swelling in his lymph nodes and help his immunity, and he has 2-4 months. He seems to be having a lot of trouble sleeping at night due to the breathing, and I totally forgot to bring that up to the doctor. My roommate has been giving him pain meds at night, which help, so I have an appointment Monday with his regular vet about getting an RX for that and also want to talk to her about some alternative treatments like herbs or acupuncture to help with his remaining time here last as long as we can and be comfortable.

I also will be talking to Mary, the animal communicator/pet psychic I had mentioned before, tomorrow afternoon, so I can really find out what's going on in his lil' noggin. And I bought several books from Amazon on pets and cancer too, so I am trying to help myself cope with this too. I know I need to stop being to depressed in front of Bear and stop crying whenever I see him, as this is only going to make him worse, picking up on my anguish.

Bear has lots of little walks and field trips coming up. I want to take him to the beach.

Hear some photos. My picture taking skills with a digital camera leave A LOT to be desired.



It's Monday and I am exhausted.

Started the dog-sitting gig on Friday night and took Bear with me, as I don't want to be away from him. It was a bad idea. The 2 dogs I am watching are Lily, a 3 year old Weimaraner, and Lola, an American Bulldog puppy. For the life of me, I cannot remember exactly how old she is, not a year yet, so maybe 6-8, maybe 9 months old. She is like, gigantor puppy. She is huge and rambunctious as hell.

She thinks Bear is a toy, and is all over him like flies and a fresh pile of shit. She's not agressive by any means, and she means well. She just wants to play, but being gigantor like she is, she plays rough. Bear tries to get away from her, and she corners him. He can't take that right now. He tried to play with her when we got there, but he tired out really fast, and I have to keep him separated from them. Lola just won't leave him be, and it was stressing him out, and that in turn, stressed me the hell out too.

Then heat became a factor. My friend Martha's house as no A/C. AT ALL. Not even a window unit. And it was hot this weekend. The temp in the house got up to like 90 degrees yesterday. It was hot when I got there Friday, so Bear was hot all night. Pugs don’t do heat well, being they lack in the snout department, so I brought like every fan I could find and surrounded the bed both Friday and Saturday night. Although Saturday was cooler, as there was a breeze, but yesterday it got way too hot again.

So, the heat coupled with Lola not leaving Bear alone, I decided not to be selfish and keep Bear with me, and took him back home to have my roommate watch him. We have central A/C there, and he can sleep in peace in his own bed.

I, on the other hand, did not sleep in peace, as I had no Bear by my side, and the fact that is was like a million degrees in Martha's house and I was too hot to be comfortable. Even Lola was so hot that she tossed and turned. Do you know how annoying it is to try to sleep with a gigantor puppy tossing & turning all night?

I slept maybe all of 2 hours.

And I'd like to thank the lovely delta breeze for waiting to show up with some relief until 4 am, when I had to get up and leave for work. Nice.

So, in order to survive being hot and stressed out by the dogs over the weekend, I started watching season 1 of Supernatural again, and have began compiling a rating matrix of Sam's hair.

I know, Nobel prize material right there. But I feel need to do this.

I am rating his hair in each episode. Call it a means to distract the hell out of myself and reality. Depression - it's a wonderful thing.

In other news, they have finally finished the remodeling of the bathrooms on our floor at work. So no more having to race down to the second floor and back whenever I gotta go. I have set a goal to christen every new toilet in there with my ass, by week's end. And with as mush tea as I drink, I should accomplish this feat fairly quickly.

That's it for today. Bear & and I will see the oncologist tomorrow, so will know more about his condition and outcome at that time.

tiffosis: (happiness is a warm pug)
( Jun. 14th, 2007 10:18 pm)

The first available appointment the oncologist has is Tuesday morning, 9am. That seems like an eternity to me. I asked them to call me if there are any cancellations

I packed Bear up this morning and drove to my parents house, so I could have that hug my Mom said she wanted to give me. When she did, we both just sat there and hugged and cried. Bear didn't seem like his normal self over there either, he seemed very lethargic, and Mom straight off said that Bear didn't have his normal smile. And he doesn't. He either sleeps and just lays there and looks at me. He didn't even follow me around from room to room like he normally does when we are over there. Before we left, Mom said good-bye to him. My Dad wouldn't.

Even here at home, he isn't acting like himself. It's becoming obvious he's sick now.

I have to go back to work tomorrow morning. I don't want to, as all I want to do is spend every waking moment with Bear, and I am afraid not to be with him every second. I wish I could take him with me to the office, but I can't. I will be dog-sitting for a friend for the next 10 days, starting tomorrow afternoon, and I can't back out now, and again, the thought of being away from Bear that longs tears me apart. So I am going to take him and hope he and the girls I am watching can get along, so he can stay with me.

Dear New Curb at Work,

Thank you for coming into existence, and for doing so without any warnings. Say, like some nice yellow paint, or a railing, or some such nonsense. Because of your kindness, I fell right off of you. Right.Off. So now I sit here, in pain, with my foot swelling and my toes tingling.

I hate you, curb.

I hope you chip away quickly, or become discolored.


On the plus side (because I need one right now) this IS NOT A HORSE RELATED INJURY. Amazing, I know. My left ankle and the top of my foot hurt, plus both of my knees. I went down hard. The swelling seems to be on the top of my foot, and I fear one the foot bones may be broken. Thought it was going to be my ankle that was the real injury, I don't really know now.

What happened? They have been renovating the building I work in. For the past two months or so, they have had the 1st floor entrance closed while they worked on that, and we all had to enter via the 2nd floor entrance (we are on a hill, so front of building is higher). So, they finished that, and yesterday they closed the 2nd floor, and we are all back to going in through the 1st floor. 

Well, apparently, when they rebuilt handicap access, they installed a SECOND CURB (!!!) before the normal curb that goes down to the parking lot. I don't know the why behind this. So, my carpool friend and I are leaving the office, and BAM, down I go off of the new unannounced, unadorned curb. Louise immediately called our boss, Janice, to tell her; cause one, it happened on the property, and two, I am sure I am not going to be the only one to go walking off the new cliff of doom. They really need to mark this new curb.

Janice asked if I was okay, or if she should call 911 (I think there may have been some sarcasm behind this, we have that kind of relationship). I yelled out that I was fine enough not to need an ambulance, thanyouverymuch. And home we went.

If my foot doesn't seem better by tomorrow morning, I am going to my doc to have this checked out, on the company's dime at that. A new unmarked curb? It's a settlement waiting to happen. And I am not a litigious person, anyone who knows me knows this, so I'm just sayin'.

I can't curl my toes all of the way and they tingle. That can't be good.

Oh, and Bear's all better. Yay!

Damn, but my dog is cute!!!!

Need to get pics so I that can share with the world the cuteness that is Bear.


tiffosis: (Default)


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