Will this give me any clout?

Countess-Palatine Tiffany the Formidable of Nether Wombleshire

Get Your Peculiar Aristocratic Title, so you too, can sound very superfluous.

I would so be dead....

I'm watching this show on the Discovery Channel called "Man vs. Wild", and this nice gentleman is showing us how to survive being lost in the savannah of Kenya. Handy tips like drinking the liquid from elephant dung to get water, avoid stepping on deadly snakes, stripping meat from a zebra carcass for proiien, and how to avoid and/or survive encounters with your friendly neighborhood predators. 

You know, the basics. Cause one day, we'll all get lost on Kenya. Right?

I would never make it. I'd step right on that snake, or bumble right into a pride of lions or a herd of elephants (where I would promptly squeak, piss myself and then freeze....), and no way in hell am I squeezing the liquid out of elephant shit to hydrate myself. And even if I could BBQ that zebra meat, it's a bit too close to a horse for me to eat. No way.

Want to know how I'm gonna survive being lost in the savannah, the Amazon or even shark infested waters? 

I ain't ever going to go to places where that could happen to me, thankyouverymuch.