Alright, let me start off with a funny story, before getting to Bear news. I hadn't posted yet, as the thought of doing so seemed to require too much energy for me to deal with.

I haven't been sleeping will lately. I'm only getting about 4 hours, on weeknights as I have to get so damned early to go to work, so that is my excuse for my blunder yesterday morning.

I was completely out of it when I was driving to work yesterday morning. Had I been doing my normal commute, this really isn't that far off norm and wouldn't have been an issue, as I can drive to work semi-conscious. But I'm still dog-sitting, so I have to drive in a different way to work. There are two ways I can go, one meeting up about 1/2 way with my normal route, and the other completely foreign to me. So I have been taking the former.

There are 7 bridges here in the Bay Area. Toll is $4 (robbery!) for each bridge. I ended up going over 3 of them on my way to work. It should have only been one…...

I totally went the wrong way on I-80 interchange after crossing the Benicia bridge. I did not realize this until I was on the Carquinez bridge (non-toll direction), putting me back on the same side I had started from, several miles up. Did I recognize I was passing street exits that were not right and turn myself around before this happened? No.

I decided to hope I could navigate my way from 80 to 580 to take the Richmond bridge over to 101. This would be the unfamiliar route I mentioned. I was pissed off that I was backtracking and would have to pay another $4 toll, so I was mentally cussing up a storm. Found my way easily to 580 and got to the toll plaza, and ended up behind a truck that was taking it's sweet ass time going anywhere. There was a big bumper sticker that read "TREEHUGGER" on it and I was like "god-damn mother-fucking treehugger, get the god-damn hell out of my fucking way", etc. My window was up, mind you it was chilly out, so no one could have heard this. Nor was I gesticulating wildly or anything like that. Yes. I am an angry driver. In a passive-aggressive kind way only, lots of swearing and yelling.

The dude paid my toll. I was dumbfounded.

So I was sufficiently humble at that point, and had a Larry the Cable Guy moment, and was "Lord, I apologize….." and "Sir, I am sorry I disparaged your treehugger sticker". I waved in thanks as I sped past him. He may have been cute…...

Took Bear to the oncologist Tuesday morning. She was a really nice doctor and I liked her a lot, even though she really had no good news.

So, even if I had $5000, I wouldn't do the chemo. It's really that much for one round of it. It would only give him maybe another year, and it would make him really sick and I don't want to do that to him. The doctor even advised that with his current breathing problems and how sensitive his stomach already is, coupled with the advancement of the lymphoma, chemo would be really, really harsh to him. Plus, dogs who reacted badly to the heartworm shot that came out on the market several years ago, don't respond well to chemo. This came up only because I told her the only time Bear had ever been sick in the past, was when I gave him that shot. Purely for my convenience too. I felt so horrible at the time, cause that shot made him very ill.

Bear is on prednisone, which will help bring down the swelling in his lymph nodes and help his immunity, and he has 2-4 months. He seems to be having a lot of trouble sleeping at night due to the breathing, and I totally forgot to bring that up to the doctor. My roommate has been giving him pain meds at night, which help, so I have an appointment Monday with his regular vet about getting an RX for that and also want to talk to her about some alternative treatments like herbs or acupuncture to help with his remaining time here last as long as we can and be comfortable.

I also will be talking to Mary, the animal communicator/pet psychic I had mentioned before, tomorrow afternoon, so I can really find out what's going on in his lil' noggin. And I bought several books from Amazon on pets and cancer too, so I am trying to help myself cope with this too. I know I need to stop being to depressed in front of Bear and stop crying whenever I see him, as this is only going to make him worse, picking up on my anguish.

Bear has lots of little walks and field trips coming up. I want to take him to the beach.

Hear some photos. My picture taking skills with a digital camera leave A LOT to be desired.