![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I had to let go of Bear this morning.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out, and there's empty hole left where he was.
I know I did the right thing, but my God, it hurts so bad and a part of me feels guilty, because what if it wasn't time?
But it was. He was suffering, and I know he wanted to be able to go on his own, but I had to help him. He wasn't breathing well at all since Friday, and last night he never slept at all, just sat up the entire night, with heavy panting and labored breathing. I was giving him painkillers and also gave his some valium last night, but they really didn't help him be more comfortable.
There was also a lot of blood under his skin on his chest, stomach and groin, that was spreading at an alarming rate and I didn't know if it was bruising or if he was hemorrrhaging internally somehow. I was beside myself.
I took him in to his vet right away this morning, after spending the entire night awake with him and being on the verge of going to the ER all night long. I really did not want to go the the ER vet, as I really like my office and Dr. Dailey, plus I know how they handle the passing of animals, and I really wanted it to be there, if it had to happen. They did a CBC, and the only thing it said was he was anemic, and that all of the burst cappillaries (petechia) were the beginning stage if organ failure. There was nothing else that could be done for his breathing, and Dr. Dailey strongly suspected there were tumors in his lungs.
So I made the call to put him to sleep. It was so hard, and Bear is so anti-needle, they could not adminster the injection and had to give him a sedative to calm him down before they could finish. It was awful, and I stayed with him the entire time and sang to him. He went so fast too.
After he was gone, I just sat with him in my arms for almost half an hour, holding him and telling him how much I loved him and why I did what I just did, and how sorry I was that I was not able to keep him from getting sick and make him better. Walking out of that room and leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done. I wanted to take him with me. I am having him privately cremated and will have him back in about two weeks.
I miss him so much. The room is too empty without his presence and I want him back.
Rest In Peace Bear - I love you, my beautiful and perfect pug.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out, and there's empty hole left where he was.
I know I did the right thing, but my God, it hurts so bad and a part of me feels guilty, because what if it wasn't time?
But it was. He was suffering, and I know he wanted to be able to go on his own, but I had to help him. He wasn't breathing well at all since Friday, and last night he never slept at all, just sat up the entire night, with heavy panting and labored breathing. I was giving him painkillers and also gave his some valium last night, but they really didn't help him be more comfortable.
There was also a lot of blood under his skin on his chest, stomach and groin, that was spreading at an alarming rate and I didn't know if it was bruising or if he was hemorrrhaging internally somehow. I was beside myself.
I took him in to his vet right away this morning, after spending the entire night awake with him and being on the verge of going to the ER all night long. I really did not want to go the the ER vet, as I really like my office and Dr. Dailey, plus I know how they handle the passing of animals, and I really wanted it to be there, if it had to happen. They did a CBC, and the only thing it said was he was anemic, and that all of the burst cappillaries (petechia) were the beginning stage if organ failure. There was nothing else that could be done for his breathing, and Dr. Dailey strongly suspected there were tumors in his lungs.
So I made the call to put him to sleep. It was so hard, and Bear is so anti-needle, they could not adminster the injection and had to give him a sedative to calm him down before they could finish. It was awful, and I stayed with him the entire time and sang to him. He went so fast too.
After he was gone, I just sat with him in my arms for almost half an hour, holding him and telling him how much I loved him and why I did what I just did, and how sorry I was that I was not able to keep him from getting sick and make him better. Walking out of that room and leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done. I wanted to take him with me. I am having him privately cremated and will have him back in about two weeks.
I miss him so much. The room is too empty without his presence and I want him back.
Rest In Peace Bear - I love you, my beautiful and perfect pug.
Tags: