Bartok Bear Bertram, September 8, 1998 - July 16, 2007

[tiffosis]

I had to let go of Bear this morning.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, and there's empty hole left where he was.

I know I did the right thing, but my God, it hurts so bad and a part of me feels guilty, because what if it wasn't time?

But it was. He was suffering, and I know he wanted to be able to go on his own, but I had to help him. He wasn't breathing well at all since Friday, and last night he never slept at all, just sat up the entire night, with heavy panting and labored breathing. I was giving him painkillers and also gave his some valium last night, but they really didn't help him be more comfortable.

There was also a lot of blood under his skin on his chest, stomach and groin, that was spreading at an alarming rate and I didn't know if it was bruising or if he was hemorrrhaging internally somehow. I was beside myself.

I took him in to his vet right away this morning, after spending the entire night awake with him and being on the verge of going to the ER all night long. I really did not want to go the the ER vet, as I really like my office and Dr. Dailey, plus I know how they handle the passing of animals, and I really wanted it to be there, if it had to happen. They did a CBC, and the only thing it said was he was anemic, and that all of the burst cappillaries (petechia) were the beginning stage if organ failure. There was nothing else that could be done for his breathing, and Dr. Dailey strongly suspected there were tumors in his lungs.

So I made the call to put him to sleep. It was so hard, and Bear is so anti-needle, they could not adminster the injection and had to give him a sedative to calm him down before they could finish. It was awful, and I stayed with him the entire time and sang to him. He went so fast too.

After he was gone, I just sat with him in my arms for almost half an hour, holding him and telling him how much I loved him and why I did what I just did, and how sorry I was that I was not able to keep him from getting sick and make him better. Walking out of that room and leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done. I wanted to take him with me. I am having him privately cremated and will have him back in about two weeks. 

I miss him so much. The room is too empty without his presence and I want him back.

Rest In Peace Bear - I love you, my beautiful and perfect pug.

Comments

[memphis86.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* My heart goes out to you, hon. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sure that wherever Bear is, there's no more pain. You were a good friend to him through the end, I can tell. <3

[tiffosis.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

He's pain free and doing his "I'm-running-around-so-fast-my-butt-is tucked-under-me" run as we speak.

[buffyaddict13.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry, hon. *hugs*

[tiffosis.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[tiffosis.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the "Bear Hug" B!

I love big hugs like that and I am still basking in it's warmth and comfort.

And how appropriate, a "bear" hug!

*hugs you back*

[kimonkey7.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. But you did the right thing because you loved him.

[tiffosis.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I know I did the right thing, and that that love is what's making it so painful.

[shea-fleur.livejournal.com]

We don't really know each other, just a handfull of communications through LJ, but I so wish there was something, anything I could do to make things different.

I've been where you are, and the truth is you'll never love another animal like you love Bear. There will be others, but it will never be the same.

But it will get better.

You did right by Bear. You allowed the both of you time to accept what was happening & time to say good-bye.

You're awesome, and I know Bear thinks so too.

[tiffosis.livejournal.com]

Your kind words are more than enough, so thank you so much for them.

As far as other dogs, you're right, and that makes me afraid. What if I get another, and find that I can't love him/her as much as they deserve, because I am harboring some sense of that. It unsettles me.

And, Frannie, that I posted about earlier, I can have her Thrusday if I want. I met her Saturday night, and she was delightful. But now I feel so heartbroken about Bear and almost apathetic about anything else (hell, I saw Order of The Phoenix yesterday, as a distraction method, and haven't even commented on that yet). Is too soon for another dog? Will the time ever be right? But sleeping alone right now is so awful, and it's too damn quiet. Bear snored, and I miss that "noise" at night.

My roommate let her little min-pin Latte into my room this morning, and she cuddled up with me, and that was nice. So maybe I would be fine. Maybe I should just take the leap....